Insight into moving overseas as a teenager
In my previous article, I looked at how you can help your teenager prepare for the move abroad by understanding what concerns them most. By truly seeing how their emotional landscape works, you can navigate the challenges of moving abroad with teenagers.
The emotional impact of relocating as a teenager can be heavy, and I shared how a strong sense of self can help them manage their new life. It’s all about their self-esteem, identity, and confidence, which is almost fully directed by their peers and social life. I’ll delve into that topic in more detail in this article.
It’s also important for you to recognise their need for independence and how different that can look in various countries.
By involving your teenagers in the planning process, you can help give them a sense of autonomy and a sense of being valued and heard, which all goes towards build their self-esteem and confidence about this big move.
And all through this – from the first announcement of your relocation, through the planning, and ultimately building a new life in a new country – safe, open communication is key.
Yes, I know this is easier said than done with some teens but do persevere. And it’s especially important if your teenager is a people-pleaser.
The people-pleasing teenager
A people-pleaser is someone who feels a strong urge to mollify others, often at the expense of their own needs or feelings. Teenagers who are people-pleasers prioritise keeping the peace, seeking approval, and avoiding conflict, even if it means suppressing their own opinions or emotions. They’re basically quite passive and only tell you what they think you want to hear.
This tendency can make navigating new environments, such as moving abroad, particularly challenging, as the desire to fit in or be accepted may overshadow their authentic sense of self.
Being a people pleaser isn’t a great asset for anyone and, in the context of teens, can be particularly difficult because you’ll never know their true thoughts and feelings. They mask their emotions and don’t complain because they don’t want to upset you. They fear rejection for speaking their mind.
A people-pleasing teen feels peer pressure sharply, because they’ve not got a strength of identity. In their eagerness to fit in, they may gravitate towards any group who will accept them – which may not be your idea of a ‘good group’ of friends.
At the other end of this behaviour, a people-pleaser can desperately want ‘their time’. Time where they can please themselves, when they’re finally fed up with pleasing others, and may end up make poor life choices.
So, as well as making sure you create many opportunities for open, honest, non-judgemental communications, try to see the nonverbal messages. Don’t just assume that your teen is OK just because they say they’re OK.
Sense of self
I’ll keep mentioning this because it’s such an important aspect of life for anyone, young, old, middling. A strong sense of self makes you more confident.
Apparently, confidence in today’s speak is often referred to as ‘aura’. Worth dropping that here in case it comes up in conversation!
This self-esteem comes from knowing your own mind. It comes from when you stand up for yourself, or you stand up for others, or challenge something you know to be wrong. It’s fighting for the rights of whatever sparks you.
As an example:
Having been severely bullied throughout school, from primary right through secondary school, there came a moment when the tables finally turned.
The bullying was non-stop ostracising, pushing, shoving, punching, name-calling. Many areas were out of bounds due to gang members lying in wait. Walking to and from school meant going well off the beaten track to avoid them. During breaks there was no safe classroom, so each break was spent in the school field.
One day, out of the blue, the gang ringleaders approached with a ‘deal’.
“We don’t like x and y, so you can join us now.”
– – –
“No thank you. Why the hell do you think I want to be like you?”
So, all three were completely ostracised until they left school.
In that moment I truly knew myself.
At 14 years old I was confident in the best decision I’ve ever made.
Self-awareness vs self-consciousness
There is a subtle but powerful distinction between self-consciousness and self-awareness.
Self-awareness is about knowing what you’re good at and what you still need to work on. It’s noticing honestly about what you do and making choices that fit your values. It’s also about recognising how what you do affects you and the people around you and using that to grow.
Self-consciousness, on the other hand, is often rooted in anxiety about how you’re perceived, leading to second-guessing or holding back. Most teens are excruciatingly self-conscious. Can you remember having to stand up in front of a class, for example? Yikes!
Where self-awareness empowers, self-consciousness restricts.
This difference becomes especially vivid in the teenage years, as young people seek belonging yet yearn for authenticity. It’s quite a battle in the developing brain. For some it can take a while to learn that quiet confidence grows from knowing themselves, rather than performing for others.
Bravado < confidence
That leads on to the difference between bravado and true confidence. Bravado is often a form of ‘fake it until you make it’ which I’m sure you’ve heard about before.
Bravado can be loud and showy, but it often masks uncertainty underneath. True confidence, however, is quieter and more resilient. It isn’t about putting on a front for others but comes from a genuine sense of self-assurance. Real confidence allows you to remain steady even when things get tough, while bravado tends to crumble under pressure. This is why, as young people grow and change, it becomes vital to nurture confidence that is rooted in self-awareness rather than in pretending or performing for others.
Building resilience for a successful move abroad
Making such a major transition, such as relocating to a new country, is a significant test of self-awareness and confidence for your teen. The challenges of adapting to unfamiliar surroundings, customs, and expectations require not only a strong sense of self but also an ability to remain open and adaptable.
It’s in these moments that true resilience is cultivated. Help your teenager to recognise their strengths, admit where they need support, and encourage them to embrace both the discomfort and excitement that come with change.
Throughout this move overseas, the values and lessons they learned as toddlers, children, preteens at home will help create the core of their being. Values such as, staying grounded, expressing emotions openly, and seeking genuine connections will help them navigate uncertainty.
Ultimately, it’s this blend of self-assuredness and willingness to learn that enables them to thrive, even far from the comfort of everything they once knew.
For you, it’s all about helping them to cultivate all this by supporting them, listening to them, offering safe and open opportunities for conversations without judgement.
Easy!
Yeah, I know, I’ve been there, We got through it, and you can too.
In the next article, I’ll share some tips to help you help your teenager settle into their new life abroad.
