Navigating a move overseas with teens
Two of my most listened to Expatability Chat Podcast episodes are both about moving abroad with teenagers. Listen to them here:
The fact that this topic has been at the top of the chart consistently, for years, means many of you are considering this as you plan a move and life abroad.
Generally, my instinctive response to this idea is, ‘Hell no!’. But hey, I’ve done it, you all want to do it, and when handled well, moving to another country can be a better, safer, more stable lifestyle for your teenagers in these tumultuous times.
I want to share how to help your teens make a happy and smooth transition to expat life. When I started writing this, I kinda got a bit carried away and ended up with several thousand words on the subject, so I’ll split it into two or three articles.
This first one will help you understand why moving abroad with a teen needs to be planned carefully, and with intention. The next article will share tips on helping them settle into their new expat life. And, as I couldn’t stop writing, there may be more.
As always, all this is with my usual disclaimer of Everyone is Different! Yep, even teens.
So, let’s start by looking at why moving abroad when your children are teenagers can sometimes be tricky. That understanding comes from knowing what makes them tick. By recognising the unique ways in which adolescents process upheaval, you can foster open and safe communication, validate your teenagers’ feelings, and help them develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Understanding the challenges of moving abroad with teenagers
While moving abroad with kids of any age needs to be planned carefully, moving anywhere with a teen, well, let’s just say – it’s a hard age for them to relocate their entire life. Even moving within the same country can prove difficult.
It’s essential to acknowledge that teenagers are not younger children; their developmental stage requires a tailored approach to address their specific anxieties and aspirations about living abroad.
Moving can be challenging for teenagers, especially if it’s their first time relocating anywhere. Teens who have experienced some big moves already may adapt well to changes, like making new friends and adjusting to unfamiliar expectations. However, when a teenager relocates for the first time, it often proves to be particularly tough.
Understanding the developmental and emotional landscape of your teenager is paramount.
The emotional impact of relocating as a teenager
The emotional impact of moving abroad with teenagers can be significant. For you all… If you have a teenager in your family, you’ll probably know exactly what I’m talking about here.
Moving abroad with teenagers is especially challenging because adolescence is a time of rapidly changing identity and strong peer bonds. You are no longer their Number One… sorry! Their friends are of far more importance in their lives now, and sometimes, social media is also more important than you. At this crucial stage of development their social connections and established identities are vital. While they may not have fully settled into their own identity yet, the growth of this is entirely connected to their peers in some form or another.
Teens are in a transitional phase between child and adult; neither quite one, nor the other, but something in between – often several times in one day! They have a growing need for independence, yet they still rely on familiar structures for emotional resilience and support. Even if they deny this, vehemently.
So, uprooting them from their friends, routines, school networks, and extracurriculars can feel like a major loss, because they feel like they’re uprooting their entire life. Leaving behind friends, familiar surroundings, and the comfort of their home country can trigger feelings of loss, anxiety, and resentment. There is often true grief in this.
The battle for identity and independence as a teen
Teenagers are in the process of exploring who they are and seeking acceptance within their favoured social groups. These two aspects of teen life go hand in hand: the deep desire to fit in, while at the same time, doing their best to find their own unique identity.
A key developmental part of a being teenager is their search for ‘who they are’ in the world: finding their sense of self, their identity as an individual. They explore different roles, beliefs, values, and life goals, which often means a lot of experimenting – trying on different selves to see which fits them best. Often this shows up as rebellion, as they often adopt the opposite of your ideals.
When they’re given freedom to experiment, with supportive and no judgmental guidance, they often build a strong sense of self. This strong identity will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives.
How a strong sense of self makes you more confident
Having a solid sense of self helps everyone (not just teens) feel more connected with who you are inside. Having a solid sense of self gives you a strong core identity that nothing, and no one, can shake. This is true confidence, true self esteem, which is different from bravado.
Knowing who you are, knowing your own mind – and trusting yourself – boosts your confidence because it’s imprinted you with an internal core of self-worth. This inner confidence helps you take the paths that are right for you; you find it easier to make good decisions, set healthy boundaries, and express yourself with authenticity.
Once you move abroad, your child is almost instantly going to be the odd one out. They’ll be the person with a different skin colour, different hair, a different style, different music taste, a different accent, speaking a different language. All this is really tough for a teenager who just wants to fit in.
If your teen is not secure in their own self, they’re going to feel extremely awkward. Especially when all the above is added in to the painful self-consciousness that’s often present at that age.
How do you help your teen find their sense of self?
Talk and listen. The same as you’d do with younger kids – it’s as ‘simple’ as that. Open communication and a safe, non-judgemental discussion are key.
Try to connect with your teenage self (scary, right?!) and think how a move abroad would have affected you. What could have made it easier for you? Put yourself in their position, because once you do, you will see it from a different standpoint.
Sports and extra-curricular activities are often cited as excellent ways to increase a child’s confidence, and this remains the same for teenagers, too. If they already have plenty of interests (away from the internet), then they’re already more than halfway to having this sense of self, and the accompanying confidence needed to cope with this relocation.
The need for independence
Independence is an essential part of the journey to adulthood. Your teen pulls away from family in the search for this independence. Testing boundaries is part of that (fun, isn’t it?!).
While they still need you for some parts of their life, this desire for autonomy helps build their identity, so it’s all connected to that, too. Independence helps builds self-esteem and confidence.
Now, independence looks different in all countries. This is something we discovered during our own expat life. While living in Tokyo, my daughter could safely walk to the conbeni alone when she was very young. I know this because she insisted, so I trailed behind her, out of sight! Kids in Japan take themselves to school, alone, from the age of six. This is only possible due to the culture of Japan.
In Germany, she was safe to take the public bus to school and could walk alone to her friends’ homes a few blocks away. However, by the time she reached her teen years, we moved to South Africa, where walking or taking public transport anywhere was a big no-no. Just as she wanted, and needed, real independence, the well-documented dangers there made this impossible. It was a difficult time for her.
So, consider where you’re moving and how that could be different from the freedom, or not, your teen currently has in your home country.
How can you support their need for independence?
Essential steps for a smooth move with teenagers
Moving abroad with teenagers requires careful planning, and these essential steps can ensure a smoother journey.
Common concerns for teens
It may help to reiterate the main issues you may face when planning a move overseas with your teen. Teenagers often have specific concerns when faced with the idea of moving abroad. Main anxieties revolve around:
- Making new friends, and leaving their existing friends
- Adjusting to a new culture, especially if a new language is involved
- Keeping up with their studies, particularly if they feel academic pressures
The switch to a new school can be incredibly daunting, and they might fear not fitting in or falling behind. Many also worry about how the relocation will affect their future plans, such as university applications or career prospects. Addressing these concerns requires open communication and a willingness to find solutions together.
And, I must add, don’t be surprised if they fly the nest for further education and move back to the home country – or somewhere else entirely. It’s something that’s cropped up a few times with my clients, so it needs to be said.
If you move abroad with children, then don’t be horrified if they choose a life in another country when they grow up.
Involve your teenagers in the planning process
Involving your teenagers in the planning process is fundamental when planning your move abroad. Show that you trust them to make good decisions for themselves (and hope they do!).
Let them voice their opinions and concerns about moving to a new country. And, importantly, listen to them – don’t dismiss them out of hand. By feeling heard and valued, teenagers are more likely to embrace the idea of moving overseas rather than resisting it. You’re aiming for a shared adventure, something exciting to look forward to, together.
Show them potential homes, schools, and neighbourhoods online. Encourage them to research the new culture, food, and the activities available.
As far as you can, take their preferences into account when making decisions. Handing them some control into planning their new life is vital.
Personally, I feel they should have full choice on which school they attend, particularly as school is where they will spend most of their time, and the hub around which their principal social network will be built.
Research schools and activities abroad
So, include them in this research. School will be a significant part of their lives and future, so needs to be the best school for them. Consider factors like distance, transportation, student population, and extracurricular activities.
If you’re moving somewhere with a different language, please do all you can to encourage your teen to learn as much as possible before you move. Younger children adapt to a new language more easily than older teenagers. Even if you enrol them in an international school, these schools often have a high ratio of local pupils, so fitting in – yep, that key point again – will be quicker and easier if they have some language skills from the start.
Activities such as sports, clubs, and volunteer opportunities can help teenagers make new friends and integrate into their new environment, easing the transition to living overseas. Perhaps there’s an activity they’ve always wanted to try, but couldn’t in your home country? Skiing, surfing, horse-riding, scuba-diving, martial arts… the list can be endless.
Try to think of all the carrots you can offer with this move. Some people have recommended getting a dog! If your kids have always wanted a dog, promise them a dog – and follow through with that promise. Perhaps they’re nearer the age of learning to drive? Get them to suggest things that would work, and – as may be natural to you – rather than say an outright ‘no’, actually consider if it’s something that’s feasible in their new life.
Open communication is key
When you broach the idea of moving to a different country with your teen, you may be met with resistance. That could possibly an understatement.
Perhaps go through some ‘what if’ scenarios and talk through different ways of problem-solving. If you have a teen with anxiety, you are probably well versed in these conversations. Try to encourage them to work through their own problems with you, rather than ‘fix’ them yourself.
Teenagers often fear the unknown as they haven’t yet developed the full art of abstract thinking and foresight. Their life-force is their established social circle and the disruption of this can feel beyond overwhelming.
It’s crucial for you to validate all their emotions and provide a supportive, understanding environment where they feel truly heard and understood. Recognising their unique challenges of this relocation is the first step in helping them cope with the upheaval.
It’s more important than ever to ensure you maintain open and safe conversations with your teen at all stages of this move. When I say ‘conversations’, by the way, it may be more a case of keeping your mouth shut! Often, teenagers want to offload and could see your responses, you trying to fix a problem, as interference. Let them rant, vent, and just talk. You want them to share their thoughts and feelings, whatever they look like. The last thing you need is them shutting you out, so sometimes this feels like you’re a metaphorical punch bag for their emotions. Roll with it, try not to interfere with their feelings and let them feel heard and understood.
You’ve got this! Remember your reasons for moving. Listen to the non-verbal cues your teen offers, and keep talking.
