Helping your teen adjust to expat life
Navigating the challenges of moving abroad is one thing; adding a teenager into the mix creates a whole new adventure! With my usual disclaimer – everyone is different – now I’ll share some tips to help your teenager settle in your new country.
In this trilogy of articles, I’ve shared insight into how to plan a move overseas with a teen, and how to support the upheaval by understanding something of the teen psyche, their emotional landscape.
An expat teenager’s top 6 worries
It’s difficult to put ourselves into their shoes, as our teenage years were so very different to the lifestyle they enjoy now. However, the six key aspects of a teen’s inner self to keep in mind are:
- Their primary worry is their social circle – leaving their existing friends and then finding new friends
- Social acceptance. Fitting-in is a priority
- Identity
- Independence
- Academic pressures
- Uncertainty about the future
The first two concerns – friendships and social acceptance – are usually uppermost in their minds, however ‘cool’ they appear to be to you.
Identity and self-esteem are topics I talked about in the previous article as being something that helps grow confidence, which makes it easier on them when they’re the ‘new kid in school’.
Independence is a weird battle, as they are desperate for their autonomy, yet still need to rely on you for much of their support: food, pocket money, driving duties, etc. This can become a flashpoint for tension.
Also, as I mentioned previously, independence looks different in various countries, so understanding how this will work for your family is important.
Academic pressures are possibly the one concern you can support quite easily. Mainly, by taking the pressure off them to get straight ‘A’s the moment they start school. At this early stage, the main aim is for them to settle, to find their feet and to be accepted. Grades can wait.
Finally, the uncertainty about the future is something that we all feel, regardless of our age. For some, uncertainty is a boundary that’s difficult to cross and becomes high anxiety. This is because uncertainty activates the brain’s fear centre. Our mind treats ambiguity as something that could be dangerous, which makes sense if you think back to ‘caveman times’.
Embracing uncertainty and managing anxiety
It’s normal to feel uneasy in unfamiliar situations, as our minds instinctively seek predictability and security. Our brains are hardwired to grasp the comfort of the known. This anxiety can be stronger for young people during transitions like moving to a new country or starting at a new school.
Recognising and accepting this automatic response is the first step towards helping them manage their fears. By understanding that these feelings are a natural and normal part of life will help your teen face uncertainty more confidently. However, this can be challenging if your teen has anxiety issues.
I found that what (sometimes) worked for my highly anxious daughter was working through ‘what if’ scenarios. And metaphorically walking her through something step-by-step, before it happened. For example, looking around the school before they start and explaining – in detail – how to deal with different situations. By offering these coping strategies, the anxious teen can make their own way in this upheaval with more confidence.
Amid all these changes, embracing uncertainty – going with the flow – can become an opportunity for growth and resilience especially if you stay open-minded, curious and flexible. Remove pressure and create a calm, supportive environment where they’ll be open to discussions, often of a difficult nature.
So, after moving abroad, how can you support their happiness and well-being? Here’s how to help them adjust, see future opportunities, and embrace expat life with enthusiasm.
Teenagers still take their cues from you
However much your teen may rebel against you in their need for independence, they’re still watching and absorbing how you deal with everything – especially when it affects them. During the teenage years, remember that in their mind, everything revolves around them!
You are still their anchor in this rough voyage. The safe harbour of home is where they can be themselves, so it needs to be a comfortable space, both literally and figuratively.
Always genuinely acknowledge and validate their feelings, though, otherwise they’ll bury their emotions. This is not good. They know if you’re genuinely listening to them or merely paying lip-service when they talk to you. Sometimes the ‘nod and smile’ response is all that’s needed, when they’re simply ranting and offloading, for example. Not all discussions need you to fix something.
Your availability matters. Even with a busy schedule, genuinely engaging with chats and fun helps them feel connected. This doesn’t mean you have to be a stay-at-home parent, just that when you’re there, you give your full attention. Teens value connection.
Teens need your support and acceptance while building their independence. Guide them lightly, without controlling every choice. Remember, their path may differ from yours, and letting them make mistakes is part of growing up.
By modelling calm acceptance and showing that it’s possible to navigate the unknown together, you demonstrate that while the future might not always be clear, it is still full of possibility.
You’re a guide, not a commander; a compass, not a railroad. (Yeah, I got lost on metaphors here!)
Manage your expectations and assumptions
As I mentioned above, don’t expect a quick return to academic excellence in a new school: there are more important life-lessons your teenager needs to work on first. Making friends, fitting in, learning the new culture, and maybe a new language, too. It’s a lot.
You may have a timeline in your head for when you expect them to be settled. Extend it. Then extend it again. It’s unlikely that your teen will be fully established in their own life and well-being within a couple of months.
How long does it take a teenager to settle in a new country?
How long is a piece of string? When people ask me this, I usually say at least one school term / semester, maybe two. This may be optimistic, as Emma explains in this podcast episode, Moving with Teens with The Teen Confidence Coach – which I paraphrase here,
Starting a new job typically takes me about six months to adjust – learning about the physical and cultural environment, meeting colleagues, and understanding processes. If it takes that long to settle in a familiar setting, in a job we already know – albeit in a different company, settling in a new country could take at least four times longer for a teenager.
In just a few weeks, your teen will probably still feel like an outsider, not fully know the subtleties of the school culture, and is unlikely to have found their tribe yet.
Adjustment doesn’t follow a set timeline; it’s a process of transition that requires space, support, and conversations.
Tips to help your expat teenagers adjust to life in a new country
Adapting to a new culture, facing language barriers, and losing old friends can be challenging. Encourage open communication and gradual transition. Help them build their social circle, as making new friends may feel intimidating – it’s that self-consciousness rearing its terrifying head.
Encourage social connections
Encouraging social connections is vital when moving overseas with teenagers. This is the number one concern for a relocating teen, so that means being accepted, fitting in, and finding new friends. ASAP.
Bearing in mind that your teens’ friends are a vital part of their own identity, it’s wise to consider how you can help them find a new group overseas to make the transition to living abroad smoother.
Obviously, school helps but consider other options too. After-school activities are great, but it’s beneficial for children to have friends outside of school. Encourage teens to find and join activities where they can meet peers.
Finding local versions of their favourite activities can help them feel more grounded. For instance, basketball players can seek nearby teams or courts to stay active and meet others with similar interests. This also helps them maintain a sense of normalcy.
Perhaps there’s a new activity they want to try? Go for it!
Finding new friends
Finding a new social circle is the main objective for anyone moving abroad. It’s often the make-or-break key to expat life success. You may find some ideas in my many other articles on this topic, both for you and for your teenager.
Your teen may struggle to find new friends, especially if they are choosing full-on rebellion – ie anything you suggest will be wrong! Tread carefully. You may need to help them seek out ways to get involved with the local scene. This could involve joining clubs, sports teams, or volunteering.
Like my suggestions for accompanying expat partners, it’s important to be proactive. Think out of the box, and you’ll be able to help your teen build a supportive social circle and ease the feeling of isolation that can come with moving overseas.
Look for expat groups or organisations to meet other families with teenagers. Although integrating into local culture is important, don’t underestimate the ease of meeting fellow expats.
And don’t forget their old friends. They are incredibly important for this age group, so you can support them in using social media and online platforms to stay connected with their old crew.
Establish routines
After moving in, set up routines right away to create stability during the transition. Kids of all ages (and adults!) find steadiness and comfort in routine. This is about making your home the safe harbour and your daily life as normal and as familiar as possible.
Encourage your teenager to maintain regular study habits, exercise routines, and hobbies.
Keep your family-time habits as normal as possible and perhaps add a new experience that fits your new environment. Maybe create a new after-school or weekend ritual that helps solidify your relationship. Visit a certain café regularly for a small indulgence, for instance. You can use this time to reinforce your camaraderie and have great conversations, as below…
Promote open communication
I know I keep going on about this, but conversations are so important. Create a safe and supportive environment where your teen feels comfortable expressing their feelings, concerns, and anxieties about this move and new life in a new country. Listen attentively and validate their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them: especially if you don’t fully understand them!
Check in with your teen regularly about their experiences. Encourage them to talk about adapting to a new culture, making friends, and any school or social challenges – but don’t force it. You don’t want them to shut down.
By fostering open communication, you can help their teenagers feel heard and understood, making this experience less daunting.
Explore cultural differences together
Adapting to new social norms abroad can be challenging for teenagers. This is something that hopefully arose when you were researching the country but often seeing it in real life can hit differently.
You may need to reinforce how what’s ‘cool’ or ‘normal’ back in their home country might be the opposite now. Discuss these new-to-you cultural norms and what’s acceptable – not just socially but legally. Things that seem like harmless fun back home could be frowned upon or even illegal in your new country.
Emotional support
Every move abroad is full of unknowns, especially with a teenager in tow.
Moving abroad is a major upheaval that brings a lot of complex emotions which the teenage mind can’t quite resolve. An international relocation is not easy for anyone, however much you want to make the move abroad.
Let them know it’s OK to feel mixed emotions – all the emotions. And it’s even more important to recognise that you will experience them, too. Be gentle with yourself, and with your family.
Recognise your teenager’s wonderful individuality, offer guidance, support, and understanding that this what’s ahead is a gradual transition.
Moving abroad with teenagers presents unique challenges and opportunities. And ‘opportunities’ is the main idea you need to focus on.
You know how fantastic this new life will be for you all, so all you need to do is communicate that to your teen…
